Movies

They Live (1988)

they_live.png

Next up in TSPDT is #993, They Live. I read the summary, saw the poster and thought it’d be right up my alley, but I was wrong… like painfully wrong. From what I understand, this movie’s on the list because it’s a real cult classic. Like with any cult classic, it wasn’t popular when it was released but gained a following in later years. These tend to be hit or miss… this time, obviously, it was a miss.

This movie is so cheesy and ridiculous that I couldn’t take it seriously or enjoy it. When I watch these kinds of movies, I find it hard to write anything because I don’t have defendable reasons why I didn’t like the movie, I just didn’t like it. Rowdy Roddy Piper’s acting left a lot to be desired and made it impossible for me to relate to his character. Now I’m going to be superficial: his mullet was too intense and distracting; and his clothes… well the 80s is strong with this one. I try to tell myself that they’re just products of their time, but it doesn’t help me enjoy it any more. Aside from the looks and acting, the most distracting element in the entire movie was the music. It was so dramatic and goofy that it took away from every scene and made it into a joke. I guess the scene that was actually meant to be a joke was the extremely long fight scene… like 5 minutes long. I just wanted it to end, but it kept going on and on. He doesn’t want to put on the damn glasses already!

After bashing almost everything about this movie I’ll be nice and give it points for 3 things that I enjoyed. The first being the alien practical effects which I really dug. The aliens are so creepy and cool without their skin. Seeing them in the posters was one of the reasons I was excited to watch the movie in the first place. The second thing I liked were the TV speeches. The song “House on a Hill” by The Pretty Reckless starts with an excerpt from this speech and I had no idea it came from this movie. I actually kind of like the speech and now I’ll think of this movie whenever I hear that song. The final thing that stood out for me were Holly’s eyes. I’ve never seen eyes so blue in my life; they’re this pale icy blue that pierces into your soul. With eyes like those I think she could do better than the poorly acted, mullet haired, flannel wearing character of Nada.

Well that’s all I have to say about They Live. I don’t think I’d personally put it down as one of the greatest 1000 movies ever made. It’s one of those movies you have to try for yourself and see if you like it. Hopefully it’ll be your cup of tea.

Verdict: 6.5/10 I brought the bubble gum, but I’m all out of ass

Advertisements
Movies

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

for_your_eyes_only_2.png

I feel like shaking things up a bit and reviewing a movie that isn’t a TSPDT movie for a change. I’ve had a long time quest to watch all the 007 movies in order and so far I’ve made it part way through the Roger Moore era. Up to this point in the series he is definitely my favorite bond. He’s sophisticated and can toss a little bit of humor in to the mix as well. As far as this particular movie goes, there was no pigeon double take like the last one, but there were some dumb scenes as usual for this series.

What I really didn’t like in this movie, which honestly seems pretty normal for the series up till now, is all of the women. Their acting is horrendous… I could do a better job. Bibi, or whatever her name was, was the worst thing about the entire movie. How old is she supposed to be? At one point she whines, “I want to win the gold medaaaaaal”. Is she really supposed to be an Olympic athlete? And then she tried desperately throughout the movie to seduce Bond. Are they trying to make some reference to the fact that the 60s era bond used to sexually harass women so now they’re doing like a wink and a nudge by having her do it to him? Help me figure this out because I don’t have any other explanation for this abomination of a character. The bond girl of this movie wasn’t any better. Instead of being over the top campy, I wasn’t even sure she was a live human being. She had almost no emotion on her face ever. All her lines were delivered completely deadpan. I guess she was beautiful enough for the part though… that’s all the matters… right?

Enough about women… let’s talk about the fancy gadgets and action scenes. I know this movie is from the 80s but I couldn’t stop laughing at that fancy facial ID machine. It was like some green wire frame “image” of a person and they were able to find out the guy’s name and literally every little fact about him in 30 seconds. I guess something had to move the plot along, but that was too funny. Then there was that stupid hockey fight scene. They actually played the goal sound whenever bond kicked a guy into the net. This movie is so cheesy and ridiculous. The cliff scene was kind of cool though and the car chase wasn’t bad. There were a lot of action scenes in this one and they all sort of balance out to make them average as a whole.

I can make all the jokes I want about this movie but this is what a 007 movie is. Big, over the top, spectacular action scenes with dumb one liners. The only critique I’ll give is that I don’t think the villain was very good and the story wasn’t interesting enough for me. This is definitely not the worst bond movie by any stretch of the imagination though. I’m not upset that I watched it and I don’t think you will be either. Until next time when I’ll be back in Octopussy!

Verdict: 7/10 For your eyes only… man getting bit in crotch by shark

Movies

Forbidden Planet (1956)

forbidden_planet.pngContinuing on with my messed up out of order reviews, next up is Forbidden Planet which now sits at #843 on TSPDT. I messed up even worse this time around because I had this movie sitting around for months and wanted to clear out my to watch list so I watched it without even knowing it was a TSPDT movie. I initially only wanted to watch it because it’s quite highly regarded as one of the top sci-fi films. It’s about these men that land on a forbidden planet and there’s a robot in it and cheesy romance, and a young Leslie Nielsen.

I’m a big time fan of sci-fi… it’s definitely my favorite genre of movie, but this one just didn’t do it for me. I can see why it could make it on the list because the effects and the ideas were pretty advanced for 1956. Unfortunately I just didn’t enjoy the story at all. In fact, I zoned out part way through the movie and as a result I don’t really have too much to say about it. The sci-fi aspects were fine I suppose, but it’s the romance that really didn’t work for me. In fact, you could say I hated the so called romance plot line. How dare that woman wear such revealing clothes? Look at her up there. Doesn’t she know how slutty that makes her look? She’s such a distraction to the men who can’t control their urges. Show some respect for yourself and cover up those arms and v-shaped section of your chest. You know, just like Leslie Nielsen is doing… look how covered up he is. It was also great how the men kept trying to take advantage of the fact that she didn’t really know much about hugging or kissing. Very classy… just stick your tongue in someone’s mouth who has the sexual maturity of a child. It also used the 50’s story telling device of making people fall in love after a few days of meeting. Seems to be very common in the 40s and 50s but it’s always bothered me. They barely know anything about each other but are somehow in love. Right, I definitely believe that. Now I’m so invested in these character I really hope they make it. End rant.

I don’t have anything else to say about this movie. That “romance” was so distracting that I didn’t even care about the sci-fi elements. I didn’t really enjoy this and I would only watch it for completion sake.

Verdict: 6.4/10 Not suitable for children on account of those sexy sexy arms!

Movies

Weekend Binge #2

War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)war_for_the_planet_of_the_apes

I like the Planet of the Apes franchise, in particular I enjoyed the originals a lot, but I couldn’t really get into the new trilogy. This was an ok movie, but I only watched it for completion’s sake so I wasn’t expecting too much. See I find it extremely difficult to follow the plot in movies that are live action but mostly CGI because my brain just zones out.  I thought it was almost interesting trying to come full circle by introducing Nova, but it didn’t really work for me because if you watched the first Planet of the Apes right after this, it wouldn’t make any sense. In that movie she’s put in a cage like another animal, so if she was originally like a pet to them or someone they cared about how come they treated her like any other human? It felt like a quick last minute tie in and not something that was very thought out. The effects are pretty great obviously, and they did a good job trying to evoke emotion from the audience. I couldn’t really empathize too much with CGI though, so it was sort of lost on me. Now try and stay with me here… what I’m about to say in no way reflects the quality of this movie, I’m merely trying to compare the ideas. This was sort of like the Star Wars prequels in that it tries to explain things that I never really wanted to know. Personally, I never cared why humans couldn’t talk or how apes took over the world so this just didn’t appeal to me in any way (just like how I don’t care about Midi-chlorians!).

However, this is a well done movie with some emotional moments and I can understand how it was so highly praised. If you liked the first 2 movies in this trilogy I’m sure this won’t disappoint you.

 Verdict: 7/10 Don’t forget the subtitles or you’ll end up listening to monkey grunts for 20 minutes and have to rewind


Stronger (2017)stronger.png

I looked at this movie and thought it was some tear jerking Oscar bait movie and didn’t want to waste my time on it, but then I noticed that Jake Gyllenhaal was in it and I pretty much had no choice. He hasn’t disappointed me in a long time so any movie he’s in, I’m there. Thankfully this ended up being so much better than I thought it’d be. I thought it was really respectful of the event and the survivors and it didn’t feel like it was just trying to cash in. One of my favorite scenes is when Jeff is in the hospital and he’s getting his bandages changed. The focus of the camera is on his face and his pain, while his legs are out of focus in the background. The point of the scene is to show what he had to endure, not to show the gore for shock value or flaunt off the special effects. It was unexpected, but I liked how they handled that a lot. They did something similar when he goes to wave the flag at the hockey game. That whole scene was incredible with the way they handled his PTSD and the emotion between him and his girlfriend, Erin.

Overall this is a pretty good movie. The acting, effects and handling of the tough subject matter was all done exceptionally well and this is well worth checking out.

Verdict: 8.1/10 Bring some Kleenex


mother! (2017)

The only thing I knew about this movie going in was that it was really weird and you’ll either love it or hate it. For some reason, I thought Jennifer Lawrence was supposed to be a robot and I spent the whole movie waiting for her to plug herself in to charge or something. Maybe if she was a robot I would’ve liked it more than I did. The first half wasn’t bad, but the second half was just too WTF for me. There was too much going on and none of it really made sense. I don’t even have a favorite image to screengrab here so all you get is text!

As a fan of Requiem for a Dream and Black Swan, I thought I might enjoy this but oh well… you win some you lose some. Maybe if you liked The Fountain you might like this.

Verdict: 6.4/10 She’s definitely NOT a robot…


Sing Street (2016)

sing_street.pngThis is another musical with another great soundtrack. This one takes place in the 80s and stars a 15 year old boy who starts a band to impress a girl he likes. I was a little skeptical at first after hearing the boy’s voice, but he started to get into it and I thought he sounded great. Some of the songs were catchy and they were a lot of fun to listen to. The brother was really great in this movie; his character was so deep and well written, and the actor who played him gave a fantastic performance.

If you like musicals then I’m sure you’ll like this. If you grew up in the 80s, I’m even more sure you’ll like this.

Verdict: 7.8/10 Get ready for a good time!


Lovesong (2016)lovesong.png

I’m not totally sure where I heard of this movie but it somehow made it on to my “To Watch” list, so when I saw it on Netflix I thought I’d give it a go. This movie is about 2 friends who sleep with each other once then don’t see each other again until one of them gets married. It’s a little awkward, but also kind of sweet, but also kind of sad. This movie was a child size roller coaster of emotion. That kid was so adorable I thought I was going to die whenever she said something and there were some really good laughs, namely “Anal Saturdays”… man was that a great scene. I liked the movie up until the ending then I got sort of annoyed. Watching people being stupid just makes me mad. I wish I could’ve reached into the movie and slapped them. Look at that image! Don’t they look happy? I think so. Ok… well out of context that doesn’t look too happy, but in context it was really sweet and I liked it.

Overall, this is a slow, mediocre “romance” type movie and I’d say it probably won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but if you have nothing else to do on a Sunday afternoon, maybe give it a whirl.

Verdict: 7/10 Anal Saturdays


45 Years (2015)

I heard good things about this movie and I had it queued to watch on Netflix for months despite it not looking too interesting to me. My instinct happened to be right in this case, and I didn’t enjoy it at all. It’s about this couple who are just about to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary when they receive some news that will change their lives in a big way. I won’t give away what the big news is because I think learning about it as the characters do helps you feel the emotions right alongside them. As far as how it made me feel, well I can understand the heartbreak and how it’d feel to have your entire life put into question, but maybe I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to really have it hit me emotionally.

I found myself really bored through long stretches of this movie. Perhaps if you’ve been married for 44 years and 11 months you might be able to relate a little more and will enjoy this… otherwise I can’t really say I’d recommend it.

Verdict: 6.4/10 Ehhhhhhh

Movies

The Veil (2017)

Picture a shirtless muscular man with an emotionless expression on his face.

The Veil’s done it… this is the one that finally made me lose all faith in Netflix recommendations. Netflix told me it was an 86% match for me, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m in pretty much the opposite situation I was in for my last review. This movie is so bad that I don’t know how to even review it. It felt like a college student’s final project before graduation. The costumes were cheap, the story was confusing and jumbled, the ending was awful and the acting left a lot to be desired. I don’t think there was a single thing I actually enjoyed in this movie, but for the sake of this review I’ll go into each of these points a little more in depth–at least as in depth as I can manage.

The costumes were like stylish burlap sacks. The bad guys had black burlap sacks and the good guys had white burlap sacks. It was all pretty bland and boring to look at. There was one colorful character though, and that was the king. Colorful he may be, but I swear they borrowed an old Burger King mascot costume. I couldn’t stop laughing every time he showed up on screen.

The costumes were so bad they were funny, but the story was so bad it just upset me. I had no idea what was happening for most of the movie. The parts I did understand, I think I only understood them because they were such cliches. Some guy is a chosen one, has to save a princess… boring stuff with nothing new to bring to the table. The actors couldn’t even sell me on any of their lines. The delivery was absolutely awful. The actress who plays the princess was the worst of the bunch. She didn’t show an ounce of emotion throughout the entire movie. She always had this deadpan expression on her face and it drove me nuts. Poorly delivered bad dialogue had me watching the time left just waiting for the end. When I thought I was finally free of this nightmare, the movie gave me one last surprise… a completely insane ending. I had to go back and watch it again just to make sure that it made no sense, and I was right… it made no sense. The movie suddenly went into like a Terminator time travel story which only cemented my hatred of it.

This was just not good in any way and I wouldn’t recommend anyone to waste their time on it. That’s all I’ve got to say about this movie, and Netflix recommendations… you’re dead to me.

Verdict: 4/10 Try a 0% match

Movies

Chappie (2015)

chappie.jpg

Chappie is about Chappie the gangsta conscious robot from Johannesburg. He learns to walk, talk, fire guns, beat the shit out of people and most importantly… he learns to love. I absolutely love this robot. He’s voiced by Sharlto Copley who was the lead in District 9 which was directed by the same director and also took place in Johannesburg. It must be the guy’s accent because even in District 9 he had me cracking up. Something about the way he swears gets me every time and this movie is no exception. The way he swears, calls Yolandi and Ninja mommy and daddy, and his childlike innocence was just hilarious to me and I was thoroughly entertained by him. The shootout at the end was a little cheesy with the slow motion yelling, but I did enjoy how they left enough time to really feel the emotion of the scene. Not to mention, the special effects were pretty damn good in this movie. There were times when I wasn’t sure whether I was watching a real prop robot or a CG one and I loved that.

While I just loved watching the scenes with Chappie in it, I absolutely hated the scenes with Deon. I hate the stereotype that all programmers have to chug red bull to keep coding through the night. You’re going to tell me some mid 20s kid wrote the code for perfect consciousness all by himself by chugging some red bull? Like please… there are teams of people with scientific backgrounds that still haven’t been able to do it. I find this so annoyingly unrealistic that it made me mad enough not to want to watch the rest of the movie. To put a rotten cherry on top of that sundae, he brings his new found AI to the boss lady and explains it as a robot that can learn to write poetry and paint. Seriously? That’s your best pitch? How about that you discovered consciousness which in itself can be very useful in military and police applications, but if not for that then to harness and sell for a lot of money. Not the most moral of applications, but I find it impossible to believe someone can just discard this discovery. She won’t even give him a garbage robot to do his little experiments on. It’s an incredibly clumsy way for Deon to be able to power up Chappie in private without the company knowing about it.

This is a hard movie for me to recommend or even rate because my brain knows that the plot was sort of weak and it wasn’t the best made movie… but my heart can’t get enough of that robot. This verdict comes down based on pure entertainment value. I think it’s a movie I would watch again. I’d just maybe skip over the first 20 or so minutes.

Verdict: 7/10 No! You don’t use guns!

Movies

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)

on_her_majestys_secret_service

A James Bond movie, how can you possibly go wrong with that? Well, the answer is simple, you sort of can by having a completely insane plot. But let me discuss something else before I go down that road because there is something positive I would like to say about this movie. Replacing Sean Connery with George Lazenby was a good move for my enjoyment. I never liked Connery as Bond, maybe it was just because of the decade it was made but he was a real jerk to women. I mean the woman says no I don’t want to have sex with you and then he pretty much does it anyways… I think that’s called rape. But he’s Bond so we let that slide I guess. Hard for me to get past that. Not to mention, I didn’t find him attractive in the least so it wasn’t believable to me that he got all those women. Lazenby was sort of weird but he was at least a likeable guy. He wasn’t as smooth and cool as the other Bonds I’ve seen though, he seemed too nice at times but then he’d throw some guy off a really tall cliff to his snowy death… there was a little give and take there. I liked the direction they were heading in this movie away from how Connery acted towards women, even if another guy did knock a woman unconscious so she would get into the helicopter.

Now to talk about something that really turned me off from this movie in the first half. Bond was undercover as a gay genealogist named Hilary and wore a kilt. Maybe in the 60s this was the epitome of suave cool manliness like Bond is supposed to be, but… uh yeah not doing it for me. The whole “I only sleep with men” thing seemed entirely unnecessary since he almost immediately slept with 2 different women on the same night he got there. Fine, I can excuse that as long as the rest of the movie is reasonably plausible. Nope, he is at a clinic that tries to cure women of their allergies. At dinner everyone was eating the food they were allergic to, like the one woman with a plate of corn on the cob or the girls that were allergic to meat, and were suggestively eating it in front of Bond. Is that supposed to be some kind of innuendo, like “look at me, I love eating meat, isn’t this so sexy?” One of the women’s reason for coming to the clinic was because she worked at a chicken farm and was allergic to chickens… did the woman allergic to corn work on a corn field too? They should have saved time by making all the women allergic to men then they’d have to eat Bond at dinner and we wouldn’t need to suffer through all that nonsense. I will say though, the idea of Bond getting married was sweet, and Lazenby was really good in those scenes. I leaked some sort of clear fluid from my eyes at the end, made a doctor’s appointment to get that checked out. I will also mention that I liked the bobsled fight scene and even some of the skiing. The green screen was obviously hilarious and fake, but still much better than a CG fight scene where you can’t even tell what’s going on.

The first half was just awful but I liked the second half more and I would have liked to see Lazenby in another movie over Connery. Connery’s Bond movies had a better story, but Lazenby was a more likeable guy. Because of the ridiculous story, I was going to give this a pretty low score but I did like that ending so I have no choice but to raise it up a little bit.

Verdict: 7/10 Needs less men named Hilary and women with chicken allergies