The Veil (2017)

Picture a shirtless muscular man with an emotionless expression on his face.

The Veil’s done it… this is the one that finally made me lose all faith in Netflix recommendations. Netflix told me it was an 86% match for me, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m in pretty much the opposite situation I was in for my last review. This movie is so bad that I don’t know how to even review it. It felt like a college student’s final project before graduation. The costumes were cheap, the story was confusing and jumbled, the ending was awful and the acting left a lot to be desired. I don’t think there was a single thing I actually enjoyed in this movie, but for the sake of this review I’ll go into each of these points a little more in depth–at least as in depth as I can manage.

The costumes were like stylish burlap sacks. The bad guys had black burlap sacks and the good guys had white burlap sacks. It was all pretty bland and boring to look at. There was one colorful character though, and that was the king. Colorful he may be, but I swear they borrowed an old Burger King mascot costume. I couldn’t stop laughing every time he showed up on screen.

The costumes were so bad they were funny, but the story was so bad it just upset me. I had no idea what was happening for most of the movie. The parts I did understand, I think I only understood them because they were such cliches. Some guy is a chosen one, has to save a princess… boring stuff with nothing new to bring to the table. The actors couldn’t even sell me on any of their lines. The delivery was absolutely awful. The actress who plays the princess was the worst of the bunch. She didn’t show an ounce of emotion throughout the entire movie. She always had this deadpan expression on her face and it drove me nuts. Poorly delivered bad dialogue had me watching the time left just waiting for the end. When I thought I was finally free of this nightmare, the movie gave me one last surprise… a completely insane ending. I had to go back and watch it again just to make sure that it made no sense, and I was right… it made no sense. The movie suddenly went into like a Terminator time travel story which only cemented my hatred of it.

This was just not good in any way and I wouldn’t recommend anyone to waste their time on it. That’s all I’ve got to say about this movie, and Netflix recommendations… you’re dead to me.

Verdict: 4/10 Try a 0% match


Chappie (2015)


Chappie is about Chappie the gangsta conscious robot from Johannesburg. He learns to walk, talk, fire guns, beat the shit out of people and most importantly… he learns to love. I absolutely love this robot. He’s voiced by Sharlto Copley who was the lead in District 9 which was directed by the same director and also took place in Johannesburg. It must be the guy’s accent because even in District 9 he had me cracking up. Something about the way he swears gets me every time and this movie is no exception. The way he swears, calls Yolandi and Ninja mommy and daddy, and his childlike innocence was just hilarious to me and I was thoroughly entertained by him. The shootout at the end was a little cheesy with the slow motion yelling, but I did enjoy how they left enough time to really feel the emotion of the scene. Not to mention, the special effects were pretty damn good in this movie. There were times when I wasn’t sure whether I was watching a real prop robot or a CG one and I loved that.

While I just loved watching the scenes with Chappie in it, I absolutely hated the scenes with Deon. I hate the stereotype that all programmers have to chug red bull to keep coding through the night. You’re going to tell me some mid 20s kid wrote the code for perfect consciousness all by himself by chugging some red bull? Like please… there are teams of people with scientific backgrounds that still haven’t been able to do it. I find this so annoyingly unrealistic that it made me mad enough not to want to watch the rest of the movie. To put a rotten cherry on top of that sundae, he brings his new found AI to the boss lady and explains it as a robot that can learn to write poetry and paint. Seriously? That’s your best pitch? How about that you discovered consciousness which in itself can be very useful in military and police applications, but if not for that then to harness and sell for a lot of money. Not the most moral of applications, but I find it impossible to believe someone can just discard this discovery. She won’t even give him a garbage robot to do his little experiments on. It’s an incredibly clumsy way for Deon to be able to power up Chappie in private without the company knowing about it.

This is a hard movie for me to recommend or even rate because my brain knows that the plot was sort of weak and it wasn’t the best made movie… but my heart can’t get enough of that robot. This verdict comes down based on pure entertainment value. I think it’s a movie I would watch again. I’d just maybe skip over the first 20 or so minutes.

Verdict: 7/10 No! You don’t use guns!


On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)


A James Bond movie, how can you possibly go wrong with that? Well, the answer is simple, you sort of can by having a completely insane plot. But let me discuss something else before I go down that road because there is something positive I would like to say about this movie. Replacing Sean Connery with George Lazenby was a good move for my enjoyment. I never liked Connery as Bond, maybe it was just because of the decade it was made but he was a real jerk to women. I mean the woman says no I don’t want to have sex with you and then he pretty much does it anyways… I think that’s called rape. But he’s Bond so we let that slide I guess. Hard for me to get past that. Not to mention, I didn’t find him attractive in the least so it wasn’t believable to me that he got all those women. Lazenby was sort of weird but he was at least a likeable guy. He wasn’t as smooth and cool as the other Bonds I’ve seen though, he seemed too nice at times but then he’d throw some guy off a really tall cliff to his snowy death… there was a little give and take there. I liked the direction they were heading in this movie away from how Connery acted towards women, even if another guy did knock a woman unconscious so she would get into the helicopter.

Now to talk about something that really turned me off from this movie in the first half. Bond was undercover as a gay genealogist named Hilary and wore a kilt. Maybe in the 60s this was the epitome of suave cool manliness like Bond is supposed to be, but… uh yeah not doing it for me. The whole “I only sleep with men” thing seemed entirely unnecessary since he almost immediately slept with 2 different women on the same night he got there. Fine, I can excuse that as long as the rest of the movie is reasonably plausible. Nope, he is at a clinic that tries to cure women of their allergies. At dinner everyone was eating the food they were allergic to, like the one woman with a plate of corn on the cob or the girls that were allergic to meat, and were suggestively eating it in front of Bond. Is that supposed to be some kind of innuendo, like “look at me, I love eating meat, isn’t this so sexy?” One of the women’s reason for coming to the clinic was because she worked at a chicken farm and was allergic to chickens… did the woman allergic to corn work on a corn field too? They should have saved time by making all the women allergic to men then they’d have to eat Bond at dinner and we wouldn’t need to suffer through all that nonsense. I will say though, the idea of Bond getting married was sweet, and Lazenby was really good in those scenes. I leaked some sort of clear fluid from my eyes at the end, made a doctor’s appointment to get that checked out. I will also mention that I liked the bobsled fight scene and even some of the skiing. The green screen was obviously hilarious and fake, but still much better than a CG fight scene where you can’t even tell what’s going on.

The first half was just awful but I liked the second half more and I would have liked to see Lazenby in another movie over Connery. Connery’s Bond movies had a better story, but Lazenby was a more likeable guy. Because of the ridiculous story, I was going to give this a pretty low score but I did like that ending so I have no choice but to raise it up a little bit.

Verdict: 7/10 Needs less men named Hilary and women with chicken allergies


Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)


Time for some B-Movie reviewing fun! Beneath the Planet of the Apes is the sequel to the original Planet of the Apes. It starts off where the first one left off by literally playing most of the ending from the first movie. I was really into the first half because it seemed like it would be a good continuation of the original story. We get to learn some more about the ape society and see how they’re at war with the gorillas. They probably should have just stuck with the whole ape vs. gorilla plot and ended it with a giant monkey war. Unfortunately, they chose to go way out in left field and… well, look at that screenshot above. If you’ve never seen this movie before you might have thought I posted a screenshot from the wrong movie, but I assure you that this is it. Beneath the planet of the apes is a society of evolved telepathic humans. They can communicate through thoughts and when we first meet them that’s all they do; they don’t even speak. Then they decide that they’ll speak to Brent instead since it’ll be easier for him. If telepathy is more powerful, how come for the rest of the movie they continue to speak even when there are no non-telepathic humans around? It’s like the writers said “Hey look at this super cool idea. Got the idea? Ok, great, now we’ll just have them talk cause we’re too lazy to keep it going.” They could have done it like a voice over narration where it’s not them talking and feels like the audience is receiving their thoughts telepathically.

That’s enough of that ridiculousness, let’s move on to something else. It’s time for rapid fire fails! The apes call each other “men” or “people”. The mouths aren’t synced right with the voices so it looks like some kind of English dub. When Nova bites it, she dies with her eyes open so it happens suddenly yet she stays standing up. The buildings are encased in stone like a mountain grew around them. I don’t see how new york would end up underground like that in just 2000 years. Brent tests out the greenish black water to see if it’s drinkable.  A wise man once said, “If it’s brown, drink it down; if it’s black, send it back.” The telepaths wear these human masks for seemingly no purpose other than to say to their god, “I reveal my Inmost Self unto my God,” and pull them off. Apes using a sauna… I don’t want to imagine what sweaty hairy apes smell like.

There were some things I liked about this movie though. Don’t burn me at the stake for this, but introducing Brent as the new lead instead of Taylor was a great move. It… uh… has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he’s younger and more in shape… absolutely nothing! I wish this movie had come out earlier so The Time Machine could see how to show a race of humans that can’t talk. Brent trying to talk to Nova was just like George trying to talk to Weena, but The Time Machine wimped out and just made the Eloi talk cause they were lazy I guess.

All in all, this movie was actually pretty entertaining and if it weren’t for the ending it would have gotten a much better verdict from me. That plot just didn’t do it for me though.

Verdict: 6/10 Needs more ape gorilla horseback fighting


Mirai Nikki (2011-2012)

I’m going to start this post with a disclaimer, read this at your own risk because this could very well be the most rage filled post I’ve written to date. It took a godly amount of will power to finish this 26 episode series. The mere fact that I survived it is a miracle. The only thing I liked about this show is the OP. The first OP was pretty awesome, which really does mislead you into thinking you’ll be watching a good show.

I suppose it’s getting pretty clear now how much I liked this show so let’s just dive right into it. I never want to hear the name “Yukki” ever again and if I do I might purposely rupture my eardrums. You can youtube videos of Yuno saying that name over and over if you’d like to get an idea of what this show is all about. I actually heard this rumour that they use it as a new torture technique for extracting information from hostages. I hate almost every single character on this show. They are the most annoying cliche ridden characters in anime. I mean the creator of this game is named Deus Ex Machina! I don’t know if the writers did that on purpose just to rub it in or maybe it was supposed to serve as a warning to anyone that might watch the show. If you don’t know what it is, it’s when the writers don’t know what to do next and make up some random plot device to solve the problem and save the day. This show had so many of them and so many “plot twists” that it became absolutely ridiculous. There was no consequence for any characters in this show because if one of them happens to die they almost always come back to life in some way. Maybe they were wearing a good ol’ bullet proof vest, or it looks like they died cause they gave this great death speech then the scene goes black and 10 minutes later you find out that they escaped in the nick of time off screen. This one is my favourite though, the one where someone gets shot, the screen goes black, and it’s all in slow motion, then you find out in a few minutes that they were shot but it just grazed their ear or they’re really hurt but not totally dead yet. Someone gets their hand blown off in an explosion? Oh wow, that’s crazy… good thing in the next scene they’re totally okay and just need a bandage to fix it. Someone gets stabbed? Oh wow that’s crazy… good thing in the next scene they’re totally okay and just need a bandage to fix it. I could keep going on and on, but for the sake of anyone reading this I’ll stop there.

Now I’ll talk about Yuno and Yukki’s “relationship”. It is appalling that anyone could be so stupid as to fall for Yuno. She is clearly a psychopath with more rage issues than me. I don’t care how many times someone says they love you, if they go from loving you to trying to murder you then you need to run in the other direction. There is absolutely no reason why he should ever love her and spend 10 years of his life grieving for her. He says he loved her because “she was always there for him” wow that’s a great reason. Even he knows that her only redeeming quality is that she’s a stalker who is literally always there for him, whether he wants her to be or not.

Look, for 26 episodes there are so many things that drove me absolutely insane and caused me to shout obscenities at my screen. If you’ve agreed with any of my previous posts then you won’t like this show and you should stay away. Please stay away. I don’t want to keep going with this post because I can come up with things I hate all day long. I am just going to give it a score that’s possibly more than it deserves and call it a day. I will be back soon with an anti-rage post to lighten things up a little.

Verdict: 4/10 Needs less existing