Ever since I had the experience with Mubi and made the decision that I don’t want to watch movies that I’m not interested in just for the sake of watching them, I’ve really been struggling to watch any movie at all. In May, I only managed to watch 10 which is way less than usual. I’ve been trying to make my way through TSPDT, but I keep having to watch ones that are completely uninteresting to me just so I can mark them off my list. Then I have to write a post about them and I can’t really find the words to describe how uninteresting I found it. I have Bad Timing, The Fountainhead and Red Beard that are all sitting around waiting to be reviewed, but I can’t think of anything to say about them. I started watching the next one on the list, The Indian Tomb, and I fell asleep, then rewound it and fell asleep again.
At this point, I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Maybe something broke inside of me that moment I decided I don’t want to waste my time anymore. Some of these movies I’m forcing myself to watch I just end up thinking are another waste of my time and do I really want to waste it? It makes me sad to think about because I’ve been seriously into movies for about 4 years now and have been exposed to so many things I never thought I’d enjoy. I always used to tell myself to never turn off a movie half way through because you don’t know how it ends. I hated the start of Mulholland Dr because I had no idea what was going on, then the ending was great and I ended up re-watching it again a few days later. You really never know how you’re going to feel about a movie after seeing the whole thing. There are some movies I actually just don’t get the first time through, but once I understand it more it’s really good. Those are the moments I love when I watch new movies and those are the moments I miss.
Likewise, with writing these reviews… sometimes I really don’t want to do it, but it helps me to explore the movie some more after I watch it. There have been some movies that I rated poorly after I watched it, then I really started to think about it when I was writing the review and realized some pretty clever themes and ideas. One that comes to mind the most was Rashomon, I thought this one scene was really stupid and was ready to rip it apart in the review, then as I was explaining why it was stupid I realized I was the stupid one and it was a really clever scene. That is the one thing I enjoy about writing these reviews. It’s more satisfying making my way through these lists and watching the movies if I actually think about them. Otherwise I might as well put them on in the background and just check them off. With all that said though, it gets incredibly difficult sometimes to write reviews. I think my reviews have evolved over the years since the very beginning of this blog. My first reviews were really off the cuff and I didn’t care if anyone read them or what they thought. I definitely enjoy going back to them and laughing because I find my sense of humor hilarious, but they are definitely disorganized and some of them might not be so fair. Then I hit a point where I was more fair and more organized and less off the cuff. Then I hit the point that I’m at now where I have to re-read every post over several times before I’m ready to publish it. Some things I’ll write off the cuff, then in a re-read I’ll decide to just take it out. It’s all very tiring and mentally draining.
I’m not a professional critic, I haven’t taken classes in writing or have any ambition to go down that road. Not sure if I’ve ever mentioned it on this blog before, but I’m actually a software developer and love it a lot. Watching movies and reviewing them is something I like to do in my spare time just for fun. I find now that whenever I write a piece, I care too much about what people will say. If I review a classic that’s had hundreds of great minds pick it apart and discuss how amazing it is, then I come along and say how I don’t like it for x number of reasons I’m just thinking how I have no idea what I’m talking about because I’m not trained to review movies.
So where does this extremely long post leave me and this blog? I’m not totally sure. I really don’t want to stop writing again, because I actually do enjoy it and I like to go back and read some of my older posts, especially after I re-watch that movie. I don’t know if I like the state my posts are in now though. I want this to be more of my thoughts on the movie and not an official review. I will absolutely do my best to put together another monthly summary post at the end of May, but I don’t know whether I’ll get any individual movie posts out before then. I’m going to re-think my approach and how I want to move forward from here. I have to admit, it was very freeing to just write off the cuff again for this post… and I swear I’m only going to re-read it once before I publish it.